Batman vs Superman: Superman Returns

Director: Bryan Singer
Screenplay By: Michael Dougherty, Dan Harris
Release Date: June 21, 2006
Run Time: 154 minuets
Rating: PG-13
Score: 1/5

This movie is a mess. It is way too long (clocking in at nearly 3 hours) with way too little plot and is boring as hell. Even though I finished the movie just now (like, 2 minuets ago as of my writing this) I cannot remember much of what happened. I know people make jokes about how you can skip parts of a movie and not miss much, but honestly, all you need to watch in this in the first five or ten minuets and then the last half hour and you would get the full effect. That means that there is 110 minuets of movie simply wasted here. I will try to tell you all the major plot points but don;t be surprises if I forget a few: this movie really doesn’t leave an impression.
The film opens, as most movies do, with credits. Five long, long minuets of credits. Maybe the filmmakers just didn’t think the film was long enough so they did this to pad out the run time. Once that is out of the way we find that Lex Luthor (here played by Kevin Spacey) has found Supermans “Fortress of Solitude”. And right of the damn bat we come across a major issue with the film. You see, the Fortress of Solitude is clearly the same prop as it was in the earlier films, and the film makers literally reuse the footage of Superman’s father talking to him from the first Superman movie, but then nothing else fits into the canon time line. Ma Kent is still alive (she dies between Superman 2 and 3), so if this is in that same universe it has to be right after movie 2, but it can;t be because Lois has a son in this film that she doesn’t have in Superman 3. So if this is just fan service…why reuse so much? Through out the entire film the place of this film in the last continuity is in question. Anyways, Luthor finds out how to use the kryptonian crystals to create another continent. You know, kind of like Clark did in the first movie when making his Fortress.
We then cut to Clark, who is just returning home after “spending five years soul searching”. As it turns out, some scientist thought they might have found Krypton, and Superman went to find it, only to learn it wasn’t there after all. We spend some time with Clark and we see how he deals with Lois being married and having had a child and we see how Lois deals with Superman being back after she has won an award for writing an article about how the world doesn’t need superman.
Cuying all the way to the last minuets of the film or so, Luthor finally uses the Crystal (encased in kryptonite) to make his new continent. Superman trys to stop him, but is weakened from the radioactive bits from his home world. How does he deal with this new threat then? A large mass of his only weakness? He just picks it up and throws it into space. And that’s it, that is the entire plot of this film. Every thing else, each and every other second of this movie is pure filler.
I could deal with that of t was good filler, but it’s not. Most of the effects looked like they came from “The Adventures of TinTin” and all the side stories were boring. I remember when I was 6 or 7, and how I hated all the “talky” bits in movies and would skip them till I got to what I wanted. That’s how I felt here. I just wanted to skip most of this until the plot came back, but once it did it was still underwhelming.
I would give this a 0/5, but it’s not quite offensive enough for that. It’s boring and there is literally no reason to watch this however, so do yourself a favor and skip it.


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